Sunday, June 17, 2012

Gold Medal-Losing Excuses

When you've set your most revered and infallible self on the world's highest pedestal, you really do have to be able to cut the mustard.
"Ugg. Gun. Ugg. Good."
So in the lead-up to the London 2012 Olympics, 'He Whose Arse Shall Be Kissed By The Very Gods Themselves' aka Kim Jong-un - new leader of North Korea (DPRK) - has been showing his sportsmen how to win gold.
This Olympic-standard multi-sport skill-set must be in his DNA. His late dad (Dear Leader, Superior Person, Sun of the Communist Future, Guarantee of the Fatherland's Unification) Kim Jong-il's first-ever round of golf featured five holes-in-one and he
"If he yells 'Hi-ho, Silver!'
one more bloody time...!"
finished 38 under par. He da MAN!!
Well, new DPRK god Kim has toured a bullet factory and shooting range, to offer guidance so his country's marksmen will be more successful. He did the same with his equestrian team...and even went so far as to instruct his top generals in warfare.
Such revelations prompted a UK journalist to call North Korea's London embassy, to ask if Kim was giving formal coaching to Team DPRK (after all, the coach of North Korea's 2010 World Cup squad claimed the late Kim Jong-il was directing the side via an "invisible mobile phone" of his own invention). There was a long pause, then: "I couldn't speak about this." "In that case, is Kim as much the athlete his father was?" "We are not sure," was the tactful response, suggesting news of Kim's sporting genius had yet to filter down to his dominion's more farflung outposts.
"The planes go up THERE!
How hard can it BE?!"
Either way, the 2012 Games is a gold-medal-winning opportunity for DPRK to reinforce its world champion status, for the best sporting failure excuses. At 2010 Football World Cup, the national coach blamed their defeat on the fact that most of the players had been struck by lightning a month before during training! And we all know what happened to their team after that loss! Then just a year beforehand, state media announced the entire side had been poisoned before a World Cup qualifier on the personal orders of the South Korean president.
I look forward to seeing how they'll top those excuses!
2012 Olympics: 27 July - 12 August, London, UK

No comments: