Time Travel

I've done a little time-travelling lately. Made a few notes along the way:

Time Machine finally finished. Think I'll head back to the Cold War and warn them about the bomb. If there’s a city where London used to be, it worked!

Time Machine working great. Just hate that I have to travel in the nude. James Cameron was right.

Evidently rubbing Hitler’s toothbrush on my butt had no effect on the war. Wait, I’m not typing in German...! Ok, so it worked then.

Cleopatra's not that hot. Don’t know what the fuss was about: she smelled like asp.

Just went back and beat up on my 1st.Form self. Now I can see why this appealed to the 5th.Formers back then.

Persuaded the Vikings to change the sheep faces on the front of their ships to dragons. We’ll see.

Put a towbar on the Time Machine. Off to Galilee with a trailer-load of loaves and fishes.

Guess what Attila’s wife calls him? No, “monkey butt”!! I guessed wrong too!

Future Madonna will do you for five bucks. Thinks adopting the entire population of Zambia was a mistake. She’s 90, but still...$5 is a bargain!

Told JFK to get a move on, or he'd miss out on the Moon. "The Moon?! I'm a bit busy with Cuba right now!"

Gave Marilyn the heads-up: gentlemen really do prefer blondes.

Just time-travelled to Ancient Macedonia. Gave a pep talk to a kid named Alexander the Mediocre. Hope that worked out.

Painted the Red Baron’s plane green last night. He was so confused. "I’m sure I parked it there!" What a doofus.

Swapped a gourd of water for wine at some wedding in Cana. Should have seen the expressions on their faces.

Almost busted by my 6-year old self. Hid under the bed for three hours. He was freaked out.

13th Century England definitely not ready for Ye Olde Breast Exam Clinic.

Turns out that neanderthals CAN mate with humans, but you need to get them very drunk.

Antwerp is nice in 1630. Lunched with Rubens. Told him plus-sized women would be all the rage.

In ancient Egypt this morning. Suggested round tombs for their pharaohs, but they'd already signed the contracts for pointy ones.

The Aztecs have a princess called Neutrogina. She has lovely skin.

(many thanks to Christopher Moore)